Those of you who are creative and have taken that avenue of life know firsthand that our lives don’t run a path of climbing a corporate ladder. To others, our lives may look hard or confusing or irresponsible because we don’t fit in a normal box of what success may look like. Go to college, get a degree and work at that same job, learning and moving up until you have success and money and security and everything people strive for. When you are an artist and a creative type, our minds and our lives don’t always work that way – we don’t always fit into a box or a category. An artist’s path may entail many things such as ad designer, graphic designer, interior designer, painter, teacher, screen printing, furniture sales, writer, business owner, all of which I have been. I do hold a bachelor's degree and have had many exciting jobs and have worked at places and with people that will always hold such a special place in my heart, but my journey does not look like a corporate ladder to be climbed. My work history looks more like small trampolines placed in a room labeled art and design and instead of picking one ladder and staying climbing on that same one, I jump from one to one taking in all the knowledge and experience and growing as an artist and a person before moving on to the next one. People like me don’t have pensions or large 401k plans, or weeks of vacation and sick days that build up over time, we are either self-employed or at the beginning of a new job and another outlet for our creativity where we can put our skills, knowledge and experience to use.
That’s a creative mind, and now throw in a little ADHD, OCD and years of trauma from a young age and the product is yours truly. My path may not have been a straight one, but I am grateful for the outlets where I have used my creative side to deal with my feelings, emotions, and issues. My dad knew I would need this before I did and at the age of ten, a few months after losing my mom, enrolled me in a painting class. I had always loved art and even in kindergarten can remember my teacher speaking to my mom about one of my drawings. I loved to draw and every Christmas the first thing on my list was a pack of magic markers. Those of you my age will remember the big smile on the cutout of the box and inside you could see all the colors and they looked like teeth. The bigger the package the more colors and the more exciting. I still get that same feeling every time I walk into an art store. It is that place from young to old where I have found that spark of joy.
Losing my mom at the age of nine completely changed me and forever dictated the path my life would go, but that painting class and being in a studio setting gave me the tools I needed, the comfort of where I fit in, and the vision of what I wanted my life to look like. Art would become my voice, my stability, and my confidence. The path where to go and what to do with it didn’t come with a map of instructions, so I have spent a lifetime on trampolines rather than a corporate ladder and immersing myself in anything creative. When it is too structured, I am uncomfortable; when it is too routine, I feel like I am dying inside. I have met so many people who are just like me, so the road even though filled with struggle, and at times financial struggle, is also the one I know I am not alone and continuously choose because it is the road that makes me feel alive. It is the road that saved me when I had to face the world without a mom, and looking back my dad knew that was what I would need. He passed away not too many years after that, but by the time he left I was getting ready to graduate high school and the path ahead was already one paved in art and design. He did that for me. As I am writing this, I realize that I always look at my dad and that time as he left me, when I should be looking at that time as he loved me, he saved me.
I am pretty sure that realization is also coming about because of a conversation I had with my son this morning. We have been on this healing journey together for the past few years, so our paths and conversations always seem to be in unison. He said that change doesn’t always mean making affirmations, sometimes it goes deeper and it is our belief systems about ourselves that must change too. Sometimes our belief systems are stuck in a false narrative of the past, and just making affirmations isn’t enough. We must believe those affirmations to be true down to our core, down to our soul, and that is when true change will begin to take place.
Yes, somewhere along the line our roles have flipped, and at times he has become my life coach, always spewing my beliefs and my words back to me as a reminder to stay on track. We both live our lives now with purpose and the knowing we are making changes, big changes. We are striving for a life that my parents saw for me, that I saw for my children, but for whatever reason life happened and we all went off course. I wouldn’t trade any part of my life because every moment, every blessing, every heartache brought me right here, and right here is a pretty good place. I am sure that false narrative that he left me rather than he loves me has unknowingly dictated parts of my life and sent me off on a harder path than needed. I know and understand that belief system is one that needs to be changed to make where I am now an even better place. We may go off course but that same path we always wanted is still there waiting for us if we look ahead, and sometimes all it takes is a tiny change in perspective to see what, or who, has been standing right there with you on your path all along.
In love and light,
Fran
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