The Holidays

This blog will be a little shorter than usual, but I did want to make sure to post this week. I understand that not everyone celebrates Christmas, and I also wanted to make sure to touch on this subject because the holidays come with so many mixed emotions. There are many people who dread the holidays because they are just a trigger, and it takes everything they have just to get through them. They walk around with a smile so you may not even notice who they are. They may open to a select few or no one at all. Be nice to everyone you meet the next few days because you never know what they carry inside.

When I look back over my life and the holidays, some are wonderful and some not so wonderful, some I had money some I didn’t, some I was happy and others filled with sadness, some I was out shopping and looking forward to Christmas Day, and then others I put on my holiday face all while just wanting to hide under a rock until they were over. The holidays can be a time where it feels like every other day in the week and doesn’t stop throwing curve balls at you just because the calendar says it should. Life happens and life goes on. There is one holiday season particularly, a few years ago, that was surrounded by confusion and sadness knowing a loved one would soon be gone but is also one of the holidays I hold dearest to my heart. Watching my cousin plan and participate in a holiday cookie party from her bed is always a reminder that the holidays are what you make of them.

This year I decided to put up a Christmas tree and decorate a little, which I haven’t done since 2019, the last Christmas before my youngest little birdy left the nest and I sold our home. At the time we didn’t realize it would be the last year we would be decorating the house and turns out it was the same year my son and his friends surprised me by decorating the whole outside with lights while I was at work. It was such a magical moment. I didn’t realize it had been that long and that was the last time, until I went to show someone a picture of how much I love to decorate for Christmas and had to scroll back so far through my photos. It was in that moment I realized it has taken me this long to find myself again since losing my cousin who I spent almost every holiday with and being on my own while navigating through life trying to figure out who I am other than someone’s mom.

A friend had suggested I put up a Christmas tree since I just moved into my new apartment, starting a new life, and she knows I love the lights. I am so happy I did it. I may not have visitors this year, but the beauty found in Christmas this year was for me. Those on this journey know everything happens for a reason, so no surprise that decorating my tree also became part of my healing. That night became a trip down memory lane since my ornaments are a history of my life with my kids, my cousin, and being in Florida for thirty years. I was not ready for my solo celebration to be a healing moment filled with such nostalgia and missing them, but it was. Always funny how that works out. I couldn’t be with my boys this year because I started a new job, and then ironically by myself while putting up a tree after six years, stuffing how much I missed them and not ready for them to be adults and no longer need me like they once did came flooding in, along with the realization that maybe that’s why I haven’t put up a tree since they all moved out.

After shedding a tear or two, I decided not to read too much into it and take it as a lesson to be grateful for the time we had together when they were young and acknowledge that this is my life now and my boys are grown and I’m getting old … and that’s ok. When I pack up my tree next week, I am going to separate all the ornaments for myself and each of my four sons. My plan is to set them aside as a gift for each of them for next year so they can get as much joy from them as I have all these years. My Christmas tree this year holds every decoration and emotion tied to my past, and next year will represent a new chapter of whatever I decide. My tree moving forward will represent a new beginning embracing a twinkle of my past along with who I am now.

Those in my small circle know that when I’m not at work I prefer to spend a lot of time solo, so I had a friend reach out to me today to make sure I wasn’t planning to spend the holiday alone. I told him I’m working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day counts as my day off so yes, I want to be alone lol, but I’m not, I’ll be traveling after work to spend two days with the fam. Sometimes solitude for healing is ok and then you must take notice of when it no longer is and make yourself do things until it becomes your new normal. It becomes your healing. It becomes your growth and becomes a part of the future you.

I would like to take this time now to wish you all a very Happy Holiday. This blog did end up being the same length as always and maybe a reflection of my healing. This is not an easy journey and not an easy time of the year. As you navigate through the next week and your own healing, remember that this time of year can be hard, but it can also be where you find your strength. Do what you must to stay in control of your emotions and your life. Practice self-care and self-love. Do not give more than you have and remember that the people we are with is what makes it special and makes it memorable.

In love and light,

Fran