Here we are in the first week of the new year. Goals are set, gym bag packed and already it has started. What did I say I wanted to achieve this year, how am I going to get there, what do I have to do? Oh, that’s right, stay focused.
The photo I chose for this week was a reminder that if only the path was that easily defined, then I would have no issues staying on the lit-up path. It would be easy to see what is right in front of me and just walk easily ahead. But right there is the darkness, the voices, the delays, the obstacles, just waiting for me if I veer off the path just a little bit or look too far up ahead. I know that in the darkness I can’t see clearly, and I understand that my journey is that of light and to just keep moving forward. I do know that, so why do I look like a cartoon character who walks in circles that look like a hundred infinity symbols rather than a straight line going from A to B. The answer is because I am human. The answer is because I am still learning and I am still healing.
I did start my goals for this week for the new year in order to forge ahead on my path, but in doing so, I also realized that part of myself still moves through darkness, still living in survival mode. This is the reason why I walk the lit-up path looking intoxicated, unable to walk a straight line, rather than with grace in a straight line. While working on career goals with my coach at the office this week, I realized that part of my outlook and reasoning is still attached to a past that no longer serves me. I make plans and I have goals, I know what I need to do, but when I get down to the details of what I need to do there is a block. There is confusion. There are parts of myself still on auto pilot and stuck in a protective mode that I no longer need. I am not allowing myself the full vision. I am cutting myself short. Yes, at one time I had to walk around with a suit of armor and looking too far ahead was a scary place. Yes, at one time I had to be careful that my thinking was my own and I wasn’t being controlled by people other than myself, but that is not who I am now. I have come a long way since then, so now I must remove that protective suit of armor and allow myself to just be who I am. Trust myself and trust my intuition. I must allow myself the room for growth and to embrace everything that I want to be and do for myself. After over sixty years of being on this earth it is finally time to make plans for my future and the life I always envisioned for myself. I am giving myself permission to be happy.
Some people who read this would say who does that. Why would someone need permission to be happy? Those of us on this healing journey don’t need an explanation and understand that statement clearly. Words like guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, trauma, overwhelmed, confusion are words that remove happiness from our dictionary. Our word becomes protection. Our word becomes survival.
This week I had that lightbulb moment where my biggest goal for the new year must be to come out of survival mode so that I can work on my goals. Seems like a twisted way to look at it, but it made complete sense while trying to make a detailed list of what I need to do to achieve what I want by the end of the year. My goals session felt more like a therapy session when seeing how many blocks I have when trying to focus on the details of my life. I have studied Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, also known as the pyramid of life, so you would think by now I would be more towards the top of the pyramid where self-esteem and self-actualization lie rather than at the bottom step of survival. But I am more like a runner in training going from the bottom step up to the top step, always mentally and physically exhausted from the up and down, the in and out. But I think that’s ok too, at least I am not staying in the same place.
If you aren’t familiar with the hierarchy of needs, please do a quick google search. You may see yourself struggling in the same way, but that is ok too. We aren’t meant to be so strict in our thinking and not see that it is part of the process to go through many stages and many different situations throughout our lives. One change, one job loss, one divorce, one death in the family, can put us back at the bottom step in survival mode. The lesson is to not stay there and keep moving and growing. Change happens quite often, and we must be willing to adapt to the changes. We must also remember to remove our protective armor and let down those walls when we are ready. We hinder our own growth with fear and lack of trust in ourselves when we don’t. That’s the part I struggle with the most. I have to remind myself that I have everything I need for success. I have done the work, I have done the healing, now it's just one leap of faith to get to where I want to be.
As you move forward this week on your path, remember slow and steady and break your focus down to small actions. This week my plan is to look at the path ahead. But then my plan is to bring that focus inward and look at the month ahead, the week ahead, and then take each step one day at a time. Ask myself everyday what I need to do today to achieve my goals, what do I need to do to make myself happy. This journey is all about self and that means self-love, self-healing, self-focus, and self-development. Once we focus on that, everything else in our outer world will work itself out.
In love and light,
Fran
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