Chained to Your Past

Trauma, death, divorce, betrayal, addiction, loss, every one of these will stop us in our tracks and life becomes unrecognizable. At that moment we either go off the track, stay the same, or pick ourselves up and move forward. I have been through all the above scenarios and witness to many ways of dealing with life, but I can say without a doubt that change at any stage of the game is possible. This journey is all about healing, and I understand that can be very hard to do when we are struggling with our present and still feeling chained to our past.

My youngest son, we always joke, has the best attitude towards life and we all want to grow up to be just like him. We all agree he is the function in our dysfunction. Looking at him you would think he was born into an easy life, but as his mom, I can tell you for a fact that he was not. The difference between him and the rest of us is he does not focus on the past or let it affect him; he lives in the present and his eyes are always straight forward. He has the best attitude towards life and just takes it as it comes. He holds onto nothing. We have taken on his attitude through our healing journeys, and we are all doing better for it.

Freedom from your past means releasing whatever and whoever is keeping you chained to it. Some of us are open to change and some of us, like myself, must have the Universe knock you on your butt to see that change is needed. Signs you are still chained to your past are always right there for you to see if you just open your eyes. Sometimes when we are hit with a life changing event, or just unhappy in a relationship or situation, we may shut down and give up. Doing anything other than the same thing over and over feels like too much work. You feel tired, beaten down and slowly your light begins to fade. You may feel like you are dying inside – and this is because, spiritually speaking, you are. Your soul and your spirit and everything that makes you who you are, slowly starts to disappear. You stop being you. What we don’t realize in that moment is there is a stronger you waiting to emerge.

When you make the decision to give up and just stay where you are and stop caring about what happens to yourself you open the door to negativity and darkness. By not being fully present your life gets put on autopilot, you get put in survival mode and all the happiness and joy in life seems minimal or non-existent. You are numb to all of it. Your past slowly takes over and hijacks both your present and your future. You seem to stop in time, there is no more growth, and you just stay the same. Over time you may start to feel broken inside. You become unhappy, and in a way, give up your life and your needs, lose boundaries, and act like everything about you doesn’t matter anymore. But if you are still here reading then you have already decided that now it does, and yes you do matter, and life will start to change.

Change is always a scary thing, and not knowing where you are heading when you want to release your past is even scarier. As we move through life, sometimes we make decisions without even realizing that we are making them based on our past instead of on our current situations. We do things because we just assume that is how it was so that is how it will always be. That is false. The best thing about life is it is ever changing. We can jump on board with change or stay the same – the decision is always ours. We can release past hurt and old ways of doing things by being present in our life. The decision to move forward comes by accepting that the past is the past and you did the best you could with the information given to you at that time. I know from my experience that not wanting to change sometimes came from a place of loyalty, tradition, society, wanting to see the good in people, or thinking that the old ways of doing things were the right way, there are many, many reasons. What I have learned from my experience is those reasons we give ourselves are also excuses and the real thing keeping us from change is fear. Fear of making a mistake, fear of being judged, fear of moving out of our comfort zone, fear of the future, fear of the unknown, the list goes on. The lesson is to acknowledge the thoughts and the fear and make those changes anyway. Detach in love and move on. Trust in yourself and your intuition and trust in God and trust that the Universe will always have your back. You are never alone. You can always trust that part of the journey if everything you are doing is coming from a good place.

My kids and I now joke that if we want to make a change, set an intention and then stay out of it, because life will always work out better that way. We have all stopped trying to control everything and learning to go with the flow. Let Go and Let God. You must learn to trust that there is a better life out there for yourself. When you come from a place of hurt and pain and trauma all you want to do is control everything and usually end up making more of a mess of your life than it was before. The reason for that is because you are still a product of your situation and trying to control everything in your outer world. No matter what you do or try to do, the result is always the same. That way of doing things will never work because you haven’t healed yet and have not taken control of your inner world. Inner chaos breeds outer chaos. Once you take control of your inner world and learn to control your thoughts and emotions and how you think and how you react, then your outer world will become a reflection of that. Release any attachments and practice self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. When you find inner peace and learn to trust in yourself, that is when the chains from the past are broken. You will accept everything about your past, both good and bad, because it made you who you are. That is when you are free to move forward and create the life you have always dreamed of.

You, and only you, will be in control of your present and your future.

In love and light,

Fran

 

Self-Care of Your Body

Self-love, self-care, this journey is all about giving to your “self”. This is not a selfish thing to do since the end goal is the same as it was before, only now you want to be able to give to others and share of yourself without feeling depleted in the process. Everyone benefits when you take the proper time and energy for yourself first and then have enough left over to give to everyone else. There is no exhaustion, stress, anxiety or resentment attached to that way of living your life. Some people already instinctively know this is the way to do things, others like me must fall on their face first before realizing that there is an easier, healthier way to live life.

When I was younger, I was the codependent queen, and had absolutely no boundaries and no idea what self-love and self-care looked like. In all honesty, until later in life, I didn’t even know there was such a thing. I also didn’t eat right, I didn’t sleep much, I don’t ever remember drinking water and thought if I was working hard or going to school and still taking care of the kids then I was doing the right thing. I used to joke that I would pass out from exhaustion at the end of the day, but that was ok because in my mind I was ambitious and hard working. What I didn’t realize was that not having boundaries or putting my needs at the forefront, I was setting myself up for a complete physical, mental, and emotional breakdown. I learned the hard way that when you don’t take care of your mind, body and spirit, then eventually you will be forced to.

Journaling and baby steps are what will get you started on the self-care of your mind and your inner world, and focusing on your physical health will get you started on the self-care of your body and your external world. Just like you can’t give, give, give without refueling yourself on the inside so you have more left to give, you can’t live the physical life you want to without the proper care of your body and physical health. A healthy body requires you to eat healthy, drink water, exercise and sleep. You take care of your car and respect it so that it continues to get you around and you must give that same respect, care and maintenance to your body so it will continue to get you around. When you neglect yourself, you neglect your health. Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, not sleeping and many other issues are sometimes signs that your body is giving that you aren’t taking proper care of it. Listen to your inner voice and listen to your body – they will always guide you in the right direction. Practicing self-care of your body will help with your healing and in turn help you to feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself that will trickle down to everyone you are in contact with. Be a role model to those around you and watch them follow your lead.

This is a mind, body, spirit journey and they work together to create balance, so you will have to get serious about treating your body with respect. The same concept I mentioned last week that losing yourself took time so finding yourself again is a process, remember that it doesn’t take a day to get out of shape so getting back in shape is a long process as well. My suggestion to help get you started in the self-care of your body is to make food and cooking a joyful part of your life. We all have a relationship with food, and it can be a wonderful thing when it is a positive relationship - but just like with people, our relationship with food can become toxic. I used to love to gather recipes and cook when I was younger - and then for a long time I didn’t. I just ate to eat and, most of the time, I was eating the wrong thing, eating too late before bed, or not eating at all during the day until dinner and putting myself in starvation mode. There was no joy in cooking, I was just robotic about eating and would prepare and eat the same things over and over. Now I love to cook again, and I spend a lot of time talking food with my kids and coworkers and swapping recipes. Every time I get together with my kids, who are now grown adults, it’s all about the food and what you buy and where and how you make it and what’s for dessert and are we going to make it or buy it. My son and I swap photos when we make something healthy – it helps keep us accountable. He is on this same journey, so eating right and exercise is what is helping him refocus as well.

You will find that eating healthy in this grab and go society is not easy, but the advice that was given to me was plan your meals ahead and shop the perimeter of the store because that is where all the real food is. Pay attention to the layout: bread, meat, fruit, veggies, nuts, milk, cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs - that is all on the perimeter. Try to stay away from the inside aisles because that is where the artificial sugars and preservatives live. The cavemen had it right - so gauge it like that - if it isn’t or wasn’t alive or comes out of the earth then it probably isn’t good for you. Eat clean. Try to find a fresh market and shop there for your fruits and vegetables - it makes eating healthy quite easy. Shopping there becomes an experience, and you will be taking time for yourself. Try to eat 3-5 small meals a day, and if you are away from the house a long time every day, make it convenient for yourself. Eating healthy is much easier if you prepare for it every day. Go out and buy yourself a cool lunch bag - a nice size one - and pack your food to take with you. Lunch boxes were a big thing back in the day so tap into your inner child in the process. Ask yourself what color you want - do you want pockets - what would make you smile when you look at it. This is a small way to remind yourself that you matter.

Exercise is important as well. When I lived in Florida, I noticed that the older generation there have it all figured out and that’s why they are living their best life well into their 80’s and 90’s. They are at the gym and walking the mall every day because they know the secret - keep moving. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. My son gave me advice that he heard, and it was pick your hard. Do you want a hard life when you are older filled with medical issues and doctor visits or do you want the hard right now of eating right and exercising. They are both hard so pick your hard. You make choices for yourself everyday just try to make a better choice each time. We also tend to make excuses for ourselves why we can’t do things so start slow. You do not want to join the gym – that’s fine then go outside and walk. Love carbs - fine just make sure to balance it with protein. Eat salad - it’s the easiest way to get a lot of nutritious things in one meal. You don’t like lettuce - do a pasta or spinach salad - find what works for you. Cold cuts, soup, and things like that have a high sodium content so make sure to read the labels it will blow your mind. Remember that eating healthy does not mean denying yourself. Everything in moderation is ok and everything must have a balance. This part of the healing journey saves your life because we need our health to be able to live a long happy life. Being healthy requires coming off autopilot so be present in the decisions of eating and exercise the same as you are doing for everything else.

My belief is that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience not the other way around, so if we want to continue with the experience, we must respect our health. This is true for every age, but when you get older it becomes game on. I always feel like after a certain age we are asked do you want to continue because if you do then get it together because you are not a kid anymore and can’t eat like one. If you want to stay here on this earth, then you must put in the work and eat right and exercise. You will be decluttering your life as well, which we will talk about in a future blog, but eating healthy and exercise are a way to declutter your body. Excess weight and extra pounds are sometimes just a wall of protection we put up and can be trauma and/or resentment which we are holding onto. Let it go. Journal. Free yourself up and you will feel lighter physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It is all connected. Make a conscious decision to want to be here and take care of you because you matter.

This life is worth living.

In love and light,

Fran

Baby Steps

This journey may seem overwhelming at first, but just remember it is a process and baby steps are needed. The truth is it took a long time to lose yourself, so the process of finding yourself again can take just as long. The comforting part is that as soon as you set the intention to make changes, then change starts to happen.

Please do not get discouraged when first starting out. This is all about baby steps and moving forward one step at a time. Your baby steps may be three steps forward and two steps back, or if you are carrying around as much baggage as I was, then it may seem like two steps forward and three steps back. You may journal one day and get triggered and lose your balance and find that it takes days for you to recover. Remember no matter what happens pick yourself up and keep going. You may feel like you are starting over again and again, but remember you are not. Each step forward you will be bringing the knowledge and lessons learned with you, so that next step forward may take you half the time as the last. Be kind to yourself on this journey. Everyone has their own story and baggage, so everyone moves at their own pace, and that is ok and part of healing. The goal is self-love, peace and happiness and is all that matters. Remember it takes as long as it takes.

Healing and making big changes for yourself can sometimes feel like a lonely journey while you are releasing the old and unsure of the new. You will be releasing unhealthy habits and sometimes unhealthy people as well, so it will be important to always reach out to family and close friends to help you stay grounded. Please keep an eye on yourself and reach out for additional professional counseling if needed. The stigma attached to needing help is being removed from our society, so please embrace that if needed. Seeking help is no longer viewed as a sign of weakness – it is a sign of strength.

Last week I mentioned that journaling is the easiest way to get started because that is the easiest way to let things go, but it is also the easiest way get to know yourself again. When you are first getting started, try and bring your thoughts back to the beginning - go back to the core of who you are. What did you like? What did you see for yourself in your future? Are you doing that? Have you forgotten who you are? Does someone else dictate your downtime? Right now, if I asked you what your favorite color is would you even know? Your answer to any of these questions can signal that you have lost yourself somewhere along the way. This journey is about self-love and becoming your own best friend so you may have to go back to the beginning to get to know yourself again. The nice thing about getting to know yourself again is that you will remember that your favorite color matters – you matter.

Baby steps are needed because at times you will feel like an emotional wreck, but please find comfort in knowing that it’s just part of the process. You will slowly be reminded of who you are and in turn may dig up something that has been buried and you need to let go of. You will also deal with things while you are asleep which is why on some days you may wake up feeling differently than when you went to sleep. Your dreamworld may become very active and you may start to have very vivid dreams and/or nightmares because your subconscious is also working on healing while you are asleep. This is why morning journaling helps because you immediately dump everything you woke up with on paper and left feeling lighter and free to start your day.

When you spend a lifetime giving, giving, giving with no boundaries set for yourself and stuffing your emotions, once you think you are finished something new will come up. There is no way we can deal with all of it at once, so it comes out slowly. The reference it’s like peeling back an onion fits perfectly. Once you heal a layer you are ready to deal with the next. Each layer may be harder to deal with, but each layer removed you will feel stronger and more empowered than before. Think of the layers as sweaters of protection you kept putting on that eventually covered up who you really were, and now you are slowly removing them to reveal your true self.

When I first started this journey, I remember I used to make lists for everything. My goal was to live a balanced life, but I was so lost and didn’t know where to start, so I began to make lists of things to do in a day. I wrote down everything – wake up, journal, shower, get kids ready, work, go to the store, make dinner, rest, hang out with kids, clean house, I wrote down everything and kept it in a notepad and carried it everywhere with me to help keep me on track. Eventually that daily list became a weekly list, and I added “fun” to the list. I printed out a weekly calendar and filled in every day on it and kept it on my refrigerator. The list was a reminder to work, rest, exercise, pray and play. Sometimes we are stuck in survival mode and fun, happiness and joy have been taken completely out of the picture, and now we must make it a conscious choice to put them all back in.

Those of us on this journey are good people with good hearts, but now we are learning to give that same love and compassion to ourselves. We are learning how to express our feelings, we are learning about healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, and in the extreme if your situation calls for it, you will remember that you deserve to be loved and trusted. You will start to feel stronger and letting someone else have control over you or making you feel like a prisoner in your own home will no longer be tolerated. The life that once felt so comfortable and familiar will start to feel very uncomfortable and scream out for change. Listen to that little voice inside your head - trust your intuition - and that’s how you will get through this and eventually have the life you want and always envisioned for yourself.

Go slow … and always remember to take it one step at a time.

In love and light,

Fran

 

Let it Go

Journaling every day is the easiest way to get started on this journey of healing and change and will also be the most important tool you take away from this experience. I am a big believer in using writing to help heal yourself when you are not the big talking about your problems type. Journaling is also very personal and a great way to get to know yourself again. Most of us on this journey got lost somewhere along the way, and this will help you find yourself again. You will be journaling about your fears, your desires, your anger, your love and every feeling, both good and bad, that you hold inside of yourself. There is something very therapeutic about putting things down on paper. You get it out, release it and then let it go (yes, my dear sister, just like the song lol). I share with others now that when you really want to heal your soul and live your life as a happier, balanced, more positive person, then journaling becomes like a doorway to Heaven and your prayers really are answered.

Some of the reasons why we do things the way we do goes back to the “junk” we carry from our childhood, and journaling becomes that place where you dump that junk and work through it. I mentioned in my last blog that finding a place in your home to create a safe space for writing or just sitting with your own thoughts is very important. Journaling gives the room and space to get to know yourself again while your mind, body and soul heals and accepts it’s new normal without any external influences. Our mind and body love to keep playing old tapes, that’s why in the beginning everything you do has to be a conscious choice. Journaling will also have to be a conscious choice.

I always keep two journals, a gratitude journal to put the good stuff in and a healing journal to get the bad stuff out. Some people are good at being open and talking about their problems, but some of us spend a lifetime stuffing our sorrows, our traumas and our feelings and need a little help. My experience is you can keep stuffing your feelings all you want, but eventually they are going to show their ugly faces. Those stuffed feelings may show up as anger, addiction, depression and may even manifest as illness because everything stuffed needs a way to escape. Trauma gets locked in our bodies and needs a release and that is where journaling comes into play. When you first start your healing journey it will feel like you stirred up a pot of soup that’s been sitting for a long time, and then suddenly everything is swirling around and needs somewhere to go. Those feelings will show up as anger, sadness, confusion, and many other negative feelings, so journaling will help to get them all out and released.

A gratitude journal will be the easier one because being grateful just requires you to be thankful for what you already have. Thank God, thank yourself, be grateful for your job, the people in your life, money you have, food on the table, good things that happen, be grateful for having the strength to get through another day, the list is endless for what we can be grateful for. Keep this journal separate and write in it every morning before you start your day or at night when you have completed your day. I always liked to take a few minutes every morning before my day started because I was stuck in a cycle of over-giving, and doing this for myself in the morning helped me get through my day. I noticed when I took just a few minutes in the morning to write in my journal and be grateful, then I was starting my day seeing the positive side, giving to myself first, and then I wouldn’t feel resentful for not having any time left for myself throughout the day. I was learning to put myself first. Like I stated previously, I do believe that gratitude journals become like a portal to the other side. Magical things happen when you show gratitude.

My gratitude journal simply states gratitude right across the front for everyone to see. The other journal, your healing journal, will be more private because it is ends up being our darkest thoughts and fears. This journal is personal and for your eyes only. This journal I kept tucked away in a drawer and when I wrote in it, I did it in handwriting that couldn’t be read back. I would write very fast in a scribbling sort of way, so that even if it was found no one could read it – I couldn’t even read it.  I was free to write whatever I wanted without the fear of it being read and judged by someone who found it. This allows you to not edit or judge what you write and, in the moment, just let those feelings go. Write down any sad, angry, hateful, ugly, painful, resentful thoughts or feelings that come up that you would never share with anyone. Those feelings are toxic to your physical body when they are kept inside and need to be released. They are your past and you are meant to keep your eyes forward so don’t go back and read what you wrote. Put a pen to paper and just see what comes up for you. Don't worry how much you write - it can be one sentence, one paragraph, one page, ten pages, just get it down. Take your thoughts out of it and just write and you will be surprised what comes up. Things you forgot about and didn’t realize you were holding onto will come up too. I can remember trying to write as the tears were falling down my face and landing on the pages. My advice is to just keep going because this is when healing is taking place. Releasing this pain and hurt is the best gift you will ever give to yourself. Those tears will help wash away the pain and start the path towards peace and happiness.

When I first started to make changes and heal, I had to remember that some thoughts and feelings are not about our present but just our past on replay. We learn to see those feelings for what they are and work through them and let them go. This is not an overnight process and will take some time for you to let go of the old while trying to embrace the new. Remember that the body is always behind the mind and spirit and takes a while to catch up. You will feel uncomfortable with that in between space, the place where you are outgrowing your past, but you still haven’t embraced where you are going. The fear of the unknown can take over, so it is very important to stay in the present moment and live life one day at a time. The body will eventually know it doesn’t have to be on high alert waiting for the other shoe to drop because it will be caught up with your new normal. You will know you have healed and will be in balance. Change (and journaling) can be a beautiful and powerful thing.

When I am finished writing in my journals, I let them go too. I make it a ceremony and offer them up with gratitude for everything I’ve been through in my life and grateful for who I am right now in this moment. Ten years ago, I did a ceremony for myself with a few friends and burned eight journals and it was a very powerful and healing experience. Another time I had a box filled with gratitude notes and offered them up into a campfire while playing music. If you can’t burn them, then throw them away but make it a special experience for yourself. You can wrap them up like a gift and before you throw them away offer up gratitude for the experience and the gift of healing. Whatever ceremony speaks to you do that for yourself.

Now go out and buy yourself a journal and start writing. Your inner child will be grateful that you did.

 

In love and light,

Fran